BY DEBBIE PAGE

At Drug-Alcohol Coalition of Iredell’s recent “In the Know” event, Parent Inner Circle Program Director Gail Embt shared her “60 Seconds to Engage” strategies, which emphasize the importance of the first minute of a conversation with a youth struggling with a mental health or substance abuse issues.

Too often, frustrated parents express disappointment or anger with their child, which can make the child defensive. The child then responds with half-truths and pushback. Both then experience higher physiological and emotional arousal, resulting in a highly emotional interaction.

Embt said to have a productive interaction with a struggling teen, the parent must instead lower their own and their child’s physiological arousal, reduce the teen’s shame, and preserve their own calm parental dignity.

With calmer heads all around, parents can instead create an alliance and connection with the teen. As they end the conversation about the teen’s issue, parents can then narrow their joint focus on one small step that the teen and parent can take together to move toward a positive resolution to the conflict or problem.

“If you accomplish those steps, the chance of engagement rises dramatically,” she said.

Embt cited research that 77 percent of teen treatment resistors made progress when parents or therapists began employing these techniques.

Though the child may seem like a roaring lion in they’re obstinate and angry behavior, Embt said the kitten is still there underneath, and that’s the part of the child that parents must try to tap back into.

ENGAGEMENT AND HONEST DISCUSSION

Engagement is like opening that door to communication. If engagement does not happen, that door will remain shut and locked, and no progress will be made.

Embt said that in the first minute, engagement is won or lost because as the teen’s brain decides if it is safe or threatened. The emotional tone for everything that follows is then set.

If the parents shame the child, they close the door to honest conversation and to the chance for real connection and positive influence on the child’s behavior and decisions.

When people feel judged or attacked, their brains shift into a “fight, flight, or shut down” mode. Constructive listening and problem-solving drop dramatically.

A response filled with anger or blame will only escalate the teen’s defensiveness, but a calm parental response with an expression of curiosity about the child’s feelings and thoughts will lower resistance to an honest conversation.

If someone feels shamed or blamed in those first minutes, they will hide, minimize the issues, or withdraw from the conversation instead of sharing what is really happening in their lives. When a person feels heard and respected, they are far more likely to participate in the conversation and consider a change in their behaviors or actions, Embt said.

Crisis-intervention models show that stabilizing the conversation and relationship requires a conversation with a clear structure and regulated emotions that will allow for the creation of a connection between the parents and child.

Once connection is established, the parent and child can then define specific actions to reduce or solve the issues that exist.

Embt advises avoiding long explanations, treatment overviews, or statistics in the conversation, which may turn the teen away from frank communication.

FIVE KEYS OF COMMUNICATION

In this first 60 seconds, Embt said parents should follow five keys of communication:

The first is to name the emotion the child may be feeling, noting that they understand that feeling. Acknowledging that the problem may seem overwhelming or that they may be feeling lost or scared helps the teen feel validated.

The next key is to express their care and concern for the child, emphasizing that the parents are there for the child, that they have been trying hard to help, and that they would not be here if they did not love the child.

The third key is to reduce blame, noting that the issue is more common than they may realize, that they did not cause the problem, and that situations are complex.

The next step is to signal partnership, saying that the parent will work through the issue in partnership with the teen, that they do not have to figure this situation out alone, and that there are a number of possibilities that they can consider to improve the situation to give the teen hope and options.

The last key is to create one step that the parent and teen can take toward a positive outcome, noting that all the problems do not have to be solved at once and that the solution is a process of multiple steps.

After this initial engaging conversation, parents must keep the door to communication open, stay calm, avoid interrogation, and leave space to talk more later.

In the next days, the parent should work to build trust with the child, listening without lecturing and working to accomplish that small step with their child in a calm, consistent manner.

In the next week, as the positive relationship and connection are being built, parents can begin to influence change through consistent engagement, setting clear boundaries, reinforcing healthy behaviors, and supporting the teen’s motivation to change.

Embt said that most families fail in their relationships because they disengage with each other when they lose hope after repeated fights, broken promises, failed treatment attempts, and feelings of blame and powerlessness.

When families fall into these patterns, the typical responses are withdrawal, defensiveness, anger, agreement, without commitment, avoidance, and shutting down.

Unfortunately, the paths that most people first try to connect with their children are not effective. Lecturing, threatening consequences, rescuing or over-helping, close monitoring, arguing to prove a point, or withdrawing in frustration are fruitless paths, Embt said.

CHANGING STRATEGIES

To increase engagement, parents have to change their strategies. They must believe that they can still have some influence in their children’s lives. They must learn to respond without escalating emotions on both sides. They must also recognize what they can control and what they cannot control.

For example, parents can control their child’s access to a car and the expectations of behavior in the home.

However, the key is to focus on the relationship with the child first — not the behavior they want to change.

If families utilize the “60 seconds to engage” strategies, family members can learn to change how they act. They can replace confrontation with empathy and and a focus on safety that reduces defensiveness on the part of the child. Repeated experiences seeking to engage with the child can change the patterns of the relationship.

Even if there’s a lot of conflict in the families, Embt said parental influence can return.

Engagement improves when parents try regulating their own responses first. They should also reduce the child’s shame instead of increasing pressure on him or her.

Asking questions, engaging with curiosity about their child’s feelings and thoughts, and avoiding accusations are effective strategies. Deciding on small steps toward a positive change on the part of their child and reinforcing and praising the teen when successful is also helpful.

Parents must also hold to the boundaries they set without losing the connection they have established with the child. They must stay engaged and consistent in maintaining calm behavior, support, and thoughtful curiosity.

Embt said in her work with parents, she focuses on handling the first 60 seconds of conversations with their children using these strategies and encouraging them to stay engaged without escalating emotions on either side.

She works to reduce conflict between parents and children without abandoning the boundaries that the parents set. She also focuses on helping parents repair trust after past damage in the relationships and finding a path forward when the relationship feels stuck.

Embt began her quest in researching effective parenting techniques because of her own struggles to stay engaged with her children and to help them walk away from substance use. She is certified in Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT) and is also a SMART Recovery Certified Facilitator.

LEARN MORE

To learn more, visit https://parentinnercircle.com/ or https://helpingfamilieshelp.com/craft-based-resources/recoveryclubamerica.