BY JEFF CORBETT

The May/June 2004 issue of Psychology Today offers a great story on the power of eye contact. It reads like this:

“Bill and Hillary Clinton often tell the story of how they met: They locked eyes across Yale’s law library, until Hillary broke the silent flirtation and marched straight over to Bill.”

“She said, ‘Look, if you’re going to keep staring at me, and I’m going to keep staring back, we might as well be introduced. I’m Hillary Rodham. What’s your name?’ ”

Clinton recalls, at that moment, that he was so taken that aback he couldn’t remember his own name, and the relationship that led to one of America’s most famous marriages was born as a product of eye contact.

Your eyes are one of the most powerful communication tools you have.

Did you know that of all the information you take in about the world around you, 80 percent comes from what you see, 10 percent from what you hear, and the other senses account for the last 10 percent.

Faced with a hypothetical choice of being blind or deaf, 95 percent of Americans choose deafness.

Eye Contact Equals Connection

One of the primary ways we use eye contact is to open the communication channel.

Think about it: When you are in a restaurant and want to get the server’s attention, what do you do? Make eye contact!

When you were in the eighth grade and didn’t do your homework the night before, what did you not do when the teacher was discussing the assignment? You didn’t make eye contact in the hope you would not be called upon. (I learned far too late that teachers are really savvy on this point, and they look for those who avert their eyes).

When you’re stopped at an intersection, and the homeless guy with his “Work for Food” sign is standing right outside your car window, what do you not do? Make eye contact.

During the Christmas holidays, do you make sure not to look at the Salvation Army bell ringer as you walk in the store because you feel guilty about not giving?

You get the point.

When you start a conversation with someone, always make eye contact with them, especially when they are speaking.

This sends them the message that you are ready to listen and are interested in what they have to say.

‘Windows of the Soul’

Have you heard the saying “your eyes are the windows to the soul?”

It’s a common expression suggesting that a person’s true feelings and character can be seen through their eyes.

It emphasizes the idea that the eyes, as a source of nonverbal communication, reveal a person’s inner self.

Your Eyes and Your Smile

A genuine smile involves both the muscles around the mouth and the muscles around the eyes. This creates the characteristic crinkling at the corners of the eyes that is part of a true smile.

If someone smiles with their mouth but their eyes are not involved, it’s an obvious fake smile, and not truly heartfelt. Try it yourself in a mirror and note the dramatic difference.

Look at photos in ads and the eyes and smile always go together.

Too Much Eye Contact?

The question I often hear is “How much eye contact is too much?”

Different cultures around the world have a wide range of eye-contact rules.

For example, according to the Cultural Atlas, “In Japan, indirect eye-contact is the norm as direct eye contact may be interpreted as intimidating. Indirect eye contact is particularly common when speaking to an elder or someone higher ranking to demonstrate respect. Usually, people will look at another part of someone’s face, such as their chin.”

In the United States, here’s a good guideline: When conversing with someone, make eye contact about two-thirds of the time, and occasionally look away. When you exceed two-thirds of the time in eye contact, research tells us one of two messages is being sent. You are either challenging them or you are romantically interested in them.

Some years ago, a group of a dozen employees (11 women and one man) at a San Francisco Safeway store filed a complaint with the National Labor Relations Board about the store’s “Superior Service” policy.

The employees were required to greet all customers with solid eye contact and a smile. The problem was that some customers started mistaking this friendliness for flirtation.

One employee, Richell Roberts, said she was hit on every day by men who thought she was coming on to them. The employees were asking “to have more freedom to not make eye contact with potentially threatening customers.”

Too Little Eye Contact?

How about little or no eye contact? I’ll throw that question back at you.

How do you feel when someone you are speaking with avoids eye contact? What do you think of that person?

You think they are indecisive, less than truthful, shifty, lacking confidence, and not friendly or interested in you. None of which are good things for an enjoyable conversation.

Group Eye Contact

What about eye contact when you’re speaking to multiple friends or to a group?

Be it your Sunday school class, around a conference room table at work, or your civic group or club, make eye contact with a person in the audience while you complete a thought, then move to another person, and so on.

Ken Blanchard, in his book, “The One Minute Manager,” tells us “Once you have made eye contact with a person in your audience, they will feel you are talking with them for the rest of your talk.”

Eye contact is the secret sauce for heartfelt connection. Practice good eye contact, and observe others’ use of this tool as well.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best: “The eyes of men converse as much as their tongues.”

Jeff Corbett is an experienced public speaker, meeting facilitator and sales and marketing professional. He lives in Statesville. He can be reached at jeff@speak-well.com.