BY JEFF CORBETT

In his book “Words for All Occasions,” Glenn van Eckeren shares this story:

Old Bill was dying. With time running out, he wanted to make things right with his friend Harry. Once best friends, Bill knew their relationship was currently at odds.

Bill had often challenged Harry on trivial matters, and in recent months, they hadn’t spoken at all.

Sincerely wanting to solve the problem, Bill sent for Harry.

When Harry arrived at Bill’s hospital bed, Bill apologized for his role in hurting their relationship. Bill said he was afraid of entering eternity with bad feelings between them, and he wanted to make things right before he died.

Then he reached out for Harry’s hand and said, “I forgive you. Will you please forgive me?” What joy that brought to Harry, and he agreed forgiveness was in order.

Just as Harry was leaving, however, old Bill shouted after him, “But remember, if I don’t die and somehow get better, this doesn’t count.”

Apologies are Important

Face it, most of us apologize poorly. Apologizing makes us uncomfortable for a number of reasons; yet a sincere apology is priceless.

“The Art of the Apology,” in a Harvard Management Update, explains that “apologies matter for two reasons. First, they mend relationships. Second, apologies mend the transgressor’s reputation.”

Norman Vincent Peale once said, “A true apology is more than just an acknowledgment of a mistake. It is recognition that something you have said or done has damaged a relationship and that you care enough about the relationship to want it repaired and restored.”

In his book “On Apology,” Kevin Lazare notes that “a true apology is among the most graceful and profound of all human exchanges.”

That being the case, let’s dig deeper into how to do better apologies and help heal the pain our mistakes have caused.

Why So Poorly?

In his book “Effective Apology,” author John Kador sums it up beautifully: “Apology is a debt you owe those you mistreated.”

So why do we do apologies so poorly? Why is it so hard to do?

You may feel apologies are a sign of weakness, a source of shame, and your pride takes a hit by admitting you were wrong.

But NOT apologizing at all can cause much more damage, as it shows a blatant disrespect for the one who was wronged.

Here are the five steps to a great apology Kador shares in his book:

#1 – Recognition
Quoting Kador, “the recognition step is excruciating because it requires us to actually name the offense. It’s one thing to say, ‘I’m sorry.’ But it’s quite hard to say, ‘I’m sorry for being a liar.’ Or, ‘I’m sorry for stealing your idea and taking credit for it.’ 

“Putting it out there so nakedly takes a lot of integrity.”

And that’s what made me squirm — not only do you tell the person you were wrong, you must tell them specifically what it was you did to wrong them.

Saying “I’m sorry I was rude” is not enough. A great apology details the offense. “I’m sorry I was rude by ignoring you at the party.”

Politicians are notorious for woefully falling short in their apologies, with something like, “For those who are offended, I am sorry.”

#2 – Responsibility
The squirming continues. This step is where you take full responsibility for the mistake, and full ownership that you screwed up.

In your apology, you say so, without excuses or blaming outside factors.

#3 – Remorse
Here is where you share with the person you offended that you are truly sorry.

You must be sincere, and with words that clearly show you wish you could undo the damage you did, and make it whole again.

#4 – Restitution
This is the step when you breathe life into your words and demonstrate your desire to restore the relationship.

You pay some kind of price, not necessarily money, but an effort, action, or consideration of some type.

A great example of restitution is found in the book “To Kill a Mockingbird,” when Atticus Finch makes his son Jem spend time every afternoon reading to an elderly neighbor with cancer, whose garden Jem had destroyed.

#5 – Repetition
Simply put, this is where you promise what you did will never happen again.

Assure the person you wronged that you mean this, and if you are ever tempted to repeat the infraction, stick to your promise.

Receiving an Apology

So what if the shoe’s on the other foot, and you are the recipient of an apology, what would and should you do?

Psychologist Robert Enright, author of “The Forgiving Life,” who has taught forgiveness in a variety of settings, says, “Every human being on the planet has been injured by another’s injustice, and how we respond to that can make all the difference.”

The following is my opinion. Beware of responding to an apology with simply, ”It’s OK,” unless you prefer to minimize it all and move on, which is fine.

“It’s OK” can be seen as taking the bypass instead of graciously accepting an apology. In all likelihood, ”It’s OK” doesn’t emotionally match up with the apology you just received.

Here’s a more honest alternative — and you don’t need a dramatic speech. Even a small shift can make the moment more authentic:
· “Thank you for apologizing.”
· “I appreciate you saying that.”
· “I accept your apology.”
· “I’m still a little hurt, but I’m glad you brought it up.”
· “We’re good, and I’m glad we talked about it.”

These responses keep the door open for connection rather than closing it with a polite shrug, and you are recognizing their courage to step up and apologize.

If you feel someone’s apology is insincere or even false, you have the option of not accepting it. Unless you want to be blunt, here are several examples that allow you to remain respectful and considerate, while withholding acceptance:

· “I appreciate you taking the time and effort to apologize. I’m not ready to accept it right now because I’m still processing what happened. I hope you can understand that I need some space to move forward.”

· “I can see you’re trying to make things right, and that matters. I’m not in a place to accept the apology right now, but I don’t want to shut the door on the conversation.”

In Conclusion

Here’s your take-away:

· An apology is the hand extended.
· Forgiveness is the hand that chooses whether to reach back.
· Reconciliation happens only if both hands meet.

Now it’s your turn to squirm. Is it possible there is someone to whom you owe an apology, either now or for something in the past, and this overdue apology pushes your guilt-button every now and then?

What would it take for you to seek out that person and clear the air? What is it that’s holding you back? What do you fear by taking the first step?

Yes, you are right, giving a sincere apology can be a scary thing, as you are vulnerable and opening yourself up.

Think about it. Integrity is built by countless moments of doing the right thing. Your moment has arrived.

Jeff Corbett is an experienced public speaker, meeting facilitator and sales and marketing professional. He lives in Statesville. He can be reached at jeff@speak-well.com.